Deceiving Myself From God's Vision

"The trite saying that honesty is the best policy has met with the just criticism that honesty is not policy. The real honest man is honest from conviction of what is right, not from policy." -General Robert E. Lee

            The other night I was lying in bed thinking about things in my life that ‘hang me up’ in my relationship with God. To be frank, I was trying to justify my sinful nature in His eyes, or rather my own. What I was really doing however, was deceiving myself into believing that what I was doing was ok. Since there are so many things that aren’t specifically mentioned in the Bible, it’s often easy for me to do this by thinking things like, ‘oh, I don’t know if God really thinks this is bad’ and ‘it may not be good, but it’s not bad either, it’s just neutral’. It seems that I can never quite convince myself that something questionable is completely right in God’s eyes: it’s impossible to cover up a deep stain on a white shirt. However, it’s not very difficult to just accept whatever sin it is as something in between, not good or bad, but neutral. I tell myself things like ‘God doesn’t really care one way or another about this’ and if all else fails, I chalk it up to my own naïvety of His true feelings on the matter. What I am really doing though, is lying to myself.

            I was running through this routine of self-deception that other night when all of a sudden a thought not of my own, came into my head: ‘If it is not good in God’s eyes, then it is bad.’ I know it sounds like a very simple thought, and it is really, but it was a revelation to my mind and at once, all my thoughts, all my rationalizations, all my self-deceptions came to a halt. Perhaps I truly cannot convince myself that it is sin in God’s eyes, but at the same time, I know that I cannot convince myself that He sees it as good, and if that is the case, then it is not good. God deals in absolutes; we’re the ones who muddy things up by pretending they’re grey. If we would only remove the filters of our deception, we would see that in reality, there is only black and white. It is either pleasing to God or it is not. And if it is not pleasing to God, then why would I want to do it? “Remember, it is a sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it.” (James 4:17) It is time that I put down the blinds and accept the truth, for I should not just do right because God tells me to. This is not true to the Spirit and will always lead me back down the same path. Instead, I should be honest with God and honest with myself because it is my own desire to be after God. Only then will I be able to put aside the rationalizations and the lies, and instead focus on Him.

            Dear Father, I am in sin. I try to tell myself that I am doing right. I try to tell myself that I am doing no wrong. But it’s all lies. It’s all a clever deception wrapped around my eyes and keeping me from seeing the truth. Lord, please let me see your truth today. Speak it to my heart and be with me to keep this from happening again in the future. Give me your strength to overcome my temptations and fix my sight on the one true vision of your love and your mercy and your grace. Let that eternal light be my vision and not the darkness that surrounds me. I pray all these things in your name. Amen.